Rule of Thumb #37

Humans are inherently stupid creatures.

We're the only animals that aren't smart enough to come in out of the rain.

Rule of Thumb #???+1

RULE OF THUMB

Know your enemies.

If you know that your desk at work is your enemy (like I do), get to know it a little better by laying your head down on it and taking a nice, long nap. Your bosses won't mind too much!

Rule of Thumb #???

RULE OF THUMB #???

No matter how tempted you are or how much you've been anticipating a call, do not pull your cell phone out of your pocket while standing over a toilet.

RULE OF THUMB #34

Rule of Thumb #34:

Come in, sit down, and watch. Something interesting most likely will happen.

As I've said before, you never where entertainment is going to come from. I enjoy just looking out of my window at work and watching what happens on the street below. You wouldn't believe how many jokes my co-worker and I have going based on things we've witnessed just four stories below.

RULE OF THUMB #33

Rule of Thumb #33:


I call this the "Hooker" Rule of Thumb...

If she's hot, she's probably a cop!

RULE OF THUMB #32

Rule of Thumb #32

Its not about being lazy, its just about not caring.

This is a derivative of Peter Gibbon's statement "Its not that I'm lazy, its just that I don't care" from Office Space, one of my all-time favorite movies, and lines. Sometimes people get called "lazy" without substance. I know I've been one of those people, but I've never really been lazy, its just that I don't really care about what I was supposed to be doing.

RULE OF THUMB #31

Rule of Thumb #31

If it helps you get some booty, then its not really lying. Right?

After all, that's what its really all about!

RULE OF THUMB #30

Rule of Thumb #30

Its always better to be pissed off, than pissed on.

Believe me, I've been in both positions. I've actually almost quit a job, twice due to someone being a complete bastard and forgetting where the men's room is.

RULE OF THUMB #29

Rule of Thumb #29

If you're already worried about your weight, then it's probably not a good idea to celebrate the "holidays". Any holidays!

I think it is pretty self-explanatory, don't you?

RULE OF THUMB #28

Rule of Thumb #28:

There should be a class where every man (heterosexual anyway) can learn to undo the clasp on a basic bra with one hand.

I'll teach it, if necessary! Wait! No, that would mean having to deal with a bunch of uncoordinated guys. No thanks!

RULE OF THUMB #27

Rule of Thumb #27:

If you eat a lot of spicy food, don't be surprised if you have a night of insane dreaming.

For instance, if you decide to have a few beers, eat some spicy crawfish sushi, then have a pizza topped with spicy Italian sausage, don't wonder why you ended up in Wonka-land while you're sleeping.

RULE OF THUMB #26

Rule of Thumb #26:

Never bet on anything that you have deep feelings for.

This is exactly why I refuse to bet on Western Kentucky and Notre Dame sports. I also refuse to bet on the Braves and the Raiders. Everything else is free game!

RULE OF THUMB #25

Rule of Thumb #25:

The truth is always stranger than fiction.

Really, some of the craziest stories I've ever told or heard have been actual events and not from my imagination. It's unreal.

RULE OF THUMB #24

Rule of Thumb #24:

Never trust a dog to guard your food.

I guess it's a damn good thing I don't own a dog!

RULE OF THUMB #23

Rule of Thumb #23:

Even when you are having a bad day, try to smile. You never know who's day you may brighten up.

Well, that, or you could be like me and wear bright colored shirts all the time. It helps on days like today when it's rainy and ugly outside.

RULE OF THUMB #22

Rule of Thumb #22:

Any expensive thing you buy (Car, computer, house, etc) becomes obsolete the moment you purchase it.

As soon as you open the box, it is guaranteed that there is a newer, better version of it available.

RULE OF THUMB #21

Rule of Thumb #21:

Give your brain a little pat on the back every now and then, just to say "Thank You".

It's amazing how much this blob of gray matter actually does without us telling it to do it. If only other people were the same way. I guess you could say that we're lucky it knows how to control the rest of our body, because, obviously we don't know how to. Isn't that right, {insert the name of your favorite Celebrity Sex Scandal member here}?

RULE OF THUMB #20

Rule of Thumb #20:

Nothing wipes away the tears like a "big check".

It's the sad state of our culture that makes this so true. I actually heard this one last night while talking about my wife collecting my life insurance check. Yes, at the time it was funny, but when you really think about it, it's just sad. Sad, yes, but so, so true!

RULE OF THUMB #19

Rule of Thumb #19:

You only have to do two things in life: pay taxes and die.

I just have to ask... Why? I'm not so sure about living forver (I've seen Highlander enough times now), but not paying taxes and getting all of the money I earned sure sounds good to me!

RULE OF THUMB #18

Rule of Thumb #18:

Don't worry... There is a person with a worse job than you.

This theory was actually proven yesterday when I found out that the IRS actually has a receptionist. Believe me, Terrorists don't hate America as much as American's hate the IRS. Think about this too... How would it feel to have a job where every single person that walks in the door is mad at you, and you don't even know why?

RULE OF THUMB #17

Rule of Thumb #17:

Swing Hard in case you hit it.

This one comes from one of my best friends. I think it's his favorite saying, so I thought I'd throw it out there. Personally, it's very true, in a lot of ways. Here are a couple of examples: You never know if the hottest guy/girl (depending on your preference) at school/work/band camp won't go out with you, until you ask. Or... You can't get the job of your dreams if you don't apply for it. Right?

RULE OF THUMB #16

Rule of Thumb #16:

A king size bed should easily accomodate one 6'2" and one 5'6" female, on any given night.

I'm just throwing this one out there, because it's not always true. Sometimes I'm left wondering if I'm the only person in the world who owns a twin sized bed that looks exactly like a King sized bed, until I get in it?

RULE OF THUMB #15

Rule of Thumb #15:

When it's all "Doom and Gloom" around you... watch out for something small to make you smile.

The causes for happiness aren't always in the biggest packages.

RULE OF THUMB #14

Rule of Thumb #14:

In your lifetime, try to see both a sunrise and a sunset over an ocean (or large body of water).

You'll really appreciate the beauty this world has to offer. However, getting up for the sunrise will also make you realize you woke up WAAAY too early. Oh yeah, try to be sober for the sunset too, because it'll help to remember it later!

RULE OF THUMB #13

Rule of Thumb #13:

Don't go out and get insanely drunk and stay out until 4 am the day before you have a very important event (meeting with bosses, wedding, high-stakes craps game, etc).

Again, I don't think I really need to explain this one. If you have any questions, put them in the comments section and I'll get around to them.

RULE OF THUMB #12

Rule of Thumb #12:

If you start having dreams about work, then it's definitely time to reconsider your career choices.

Do I really need to explain this one?

RULE OF THUMB #11

Rule of Thumb #11:

If you're not given all of the pieces to a puzzle, then it'll be impossible to put it together the way it is supposed to be.

Otherwise, you should be able to put it all together and see what you think is a pretty tiger smiling back at you, when it's actually thinking "Wow, you'd be a great meal! You're Grrrrrrreat!" That is of course, unless you're a complete moron, then I'm sorry. However, this actually relates to all kinds of things (cars, electronic equipment, "projects"). This one directly relates back to some difficulties I had at work last month. See HERE and HERE for details.

RULE OF THUMB #10

Rule of Thumb #10:

Embrace the differences in each of us.

Now, I'm not going to go into a anti-racism/sexism/poligamy rant (we'll save those for another time), however, following this rule will help you lead a much more interesting life. I can understand if you live in a city that has no ethnical diversity, so be sure to travel. A LOT!

RULE OF THUMB #9

Rule of Thumb #9:

Never live some place that only has white walls.

Really, it's not all that expensive to paint a wall here and there. Secondly, being surrounded by white walls, after a while, will make you feel like you're in the looney bin, and that's no way to start or end your day.

RULE OF THUMB #8

Rule of Thumb #8:

Learn something new every day.

First of all, you'll be smarter for it! Also, no one wants to be known as a "know-it-all"!

RULE OF THUMB #7

Rule of Thumb #7:

Never argue with a woman about how many shoes and/or purses she owns.

First off, it'll just make her think she doesn't have enough. Secondly, she'll make it a point that you end up paying for the rest of the ones she wants, in one way or another.

RULE OF THUMB #6

Rule of Thumb #6:

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance... Baffle them with Bullshit!

I know this one has been told throughout the ages, but it just happens to be one of the few quirps that my stepfather told me that I've hung onto all these years. It works though! Most people are afraid to call "Bullshit" to your face, and you get out of some tight spots just by acting like you know what you're talking about.

RULE OF THUMB #5

Rule of Thumb #5:

Don't get angry while playing video games.

First of all, it's stupid! (My wife has told me this a thousand times) You just look like more of a moron if you're yelling at the TV and throwing a temper tantrum because you can't get past level two of a thirty level game. Secondly, it gets expensive! Really, do replacement controllers have to cost $35? It's amazing how many pieces those things shatter into when they're thrown against a concrete wall!

RULE OF THUMB #4

Rule of Thumb #4:

It's not cute, nor impressive, to place statues of living animals (i.e. deer, horses, cattle) in your front yard as lawn ornaments, especially if you live in a rural area and/or your yard fronts a busy highway or thoroughfare.

First of all, these animals don't add to the "beauty" of a lawn. Really! I'm not talking about having a cute little bunny, squirrel, or turtle up near your garden either. Secondly, and this is my real problem with this idiocy... When I'm driving at night on a country highway or backroad, I have enough things to watch out for. The last thing I need to worry about is having my headlights catch the shape of a deer off on the side of the road, making me think there may be more of them around and ready to jump out in front of my car. We all know deer are suicidal, and there's nothing we can do about it! As that crazy workout woman used to say "Stop the insanity!"

RULE OF THUMB #3

Rule of Thumb #3: (I'm making it a two-for day, since I missed Monday)

If a movie has a specific event in it's title, yet the event barely takes place in the movie, then the movies officially sucks.

Let's say a movie is titled "Billy Bob's Company Christmas Party"... Any normal person would see this title and think "Hmm... I bet this is about a crazy Christmas party where there are some interesting shenanigans and possibly some "hook ups". However, when you watch the movie, it's actually about Billy Bob's second niece, twice removed, and her lesbian tendency towards a mechanic that only works on Fiats, while a second storyline is going about Billy Bob's sister's kids high school trip to Paris, France, and how much they really dislike French Bread and the French people's lack of personal hygiene. Finally, after watching the two story lines go on and on for about two hours you finally get to see the "Christmas Party" for about three minutes, and nothing happens there. Would you be pissed?

RULE OF THUMB #2

Rule of Thumb #2:

It is always better to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission.

This one is pretty much true across the board, whether it be your purchase of a 50 inch plasma TV without your wife's knowledge or your changing the look of a report that your boss has been using for ten years. Don't ask "Hey, can I do this?" because the answer will be "No". However, if you go ahead and do it, and they get a chance to see the product, then it's a lot easier to just say "I'm sorry!". It doesn't hurt that it's less words too!

RULE OF THUMB #1

Rule of Thumb #1:

Unless you were born in Bombay, have extensive knowledge of the backstreets of Calcutta, know where Muzaffarnagar is, or have the last name of Patel, then you probably should not try eating Indian food on three consecutive days. It's just not in your best interest. Believe me!